Discussing War & Violence With Children

In a time when war and violence seem to be everywhere, it is natural for children to want information or to begin questioning their own safety. This is no different than adults needing information. As adults we have access to a plethora of information on television, the radio, newspapers and on the Internet. We are all going to be effected by this information and the children we come into contact with will pick-up on the fact that something is "different" or "wrong". In many cases we don't know what to say to children or even what to let them see or read.

How to Talk to Children and What to Ask?

When children you know are dealing with something difficult you may want to shelter them as much as possible from information. Adults believe if they just ignore the subject and limit a child's access to information the child's need for information or fears will just go away. The fact is it will not just go away. Children will know something is wrong by the way we act and even by the intense way we may be reading or watching something. Children are very observant and will pick up on the smallest deviation in normal behaviors and communication styles. When they don't know what is going on they will try to put it together like a puzzle and in many cases their imagination creates a world much scarier or more threatening then the reality. To avoid this we must talk honestly to children about the events taking place in a way that is appropriate for their age and emotional development.

The easiest way to start this conversation is to just ask them what they know. Much of the time we will be surprised by the perception a child has on the events of the day and this gives us a tremendous opportunity to clarify fact from fiction. If a child says they know bad things are happening in a place called Iraq we may want to ask them if they know where Iraq is or what kinds of bad things?

In addition to asking a child what they know it is important children know we are listening to them. In many cases we don't really listen to children, but tell them what to do or just wait for our turn to talk. Repeat questions back to a child so they know we have heard their question. Listen for feeling words and reflect those back to a child. If a child feels scared, upset, mad or guilty they need to know we heard them.

Make sure children know you are going to do everything you can to keep them safe. In many cases the core of many of their feelings is fear of something happening to them or the adults they love. Make sure you reassure them of your safety as well as their own.

You may have a close friend or family member involved in the incident. If this is the case the reassurance can be more difficult. Do not make promises that cannot be kept. If a friend or family member is involved you want to reassure them they will try to be as safe as possible. Don't make the blanket statement that they will be fine and come home safely, because we really don't know. You may want to tell the child who will take care of them, if something happens to you. Be specific, if Aunt Mary is going to be the caregiver they need to know. Always end with reassurance. Let them know that you really think you will be around for a long time and don't think anything will happen to you in the near future.

• Simple explanations to questions are the best. If you start giving a long drawn out explanation to a 5 year old they will not be able to follow it. Have them repeat the explanation to you and ask them if they have questions about the explanation.
• Older children may have a different belief or view of events than you do. This can be very difficult for adults to deal with, but you should accept their views as part of the maturation process and not judge them for holding different views then your own.
• Most importantly continue to talk to the children you are involved with. If children only needed to hear things one time the trash would always get taken out! The reality is children may ask the same questions over and over again and need reassurance several times.

As mentioned earlier it is important to have an idea of they type of information your child needs and they way they will interpret information. As a child's primary caregiver you know your child better than anyone. The following is just a guideline and does not apply to every child in every situation.

Preschool: Ages 2-5

What they understand about war and violence
Preschoolers often mix up fact with fantasy. They may not realize a war is happening very far away, and may think it's occurring right where they live. While younger preschoolers may not be able to comprehend exactly what is happening, they may still be acutely aware something is wrong, and of the parent's anxiety. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Signs of Stress
Some preschoolers may experience an increase in anxiety and nightmares, changes in eating or fear of being away from the parent. Other children may not show signs of stress at all. "Don't wait for concrete signals. Assume situations like these are stressful for preschoolers," says Susanna Neumann, Ph.D. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Communication
It's not necessary to bring up issues of war and violence unless you know s/he has been exposed to the news, or if s/he asks about it. If s/he mentions it, ask about what they know in an open-ended way. Speak in normal tones to provide a sense of security. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Talking about how you are maintaining routines helps preschoolers feel safe without mentioning scary events. For example, you might explain what time you will be home, who will pick them up from school and talk about plans for the weekend. (www.pbs.org/parents)

You might also offer art materials and blocks to help your preschooler explore what she feels. Give her/him props, like toy airplanes, if your child brings them up in conversation. As you would with a younger child, offer lots of cuddling and hugs, and be patient and sensitive to changes in patterns of eating, sleeping and toileting. (www.pbs.org/parents)

School Age: 5-11

What they understand about War and Violence
At this age, children experience a shift in thinking about current events. They not only have questions about "What is happening in MY world;" but they also begin to ask, "What is happening in THE world?" (www.pbs.org/parents)

Ages 5 and 6
Children at this age begin to understand events in context, but often one piece at a time. For example, s/he may know something intellectually, like the fact that "the war is far away." But he may still duck when he hears a plane fly overhead. This is because his/her intellectual awareness is not integrated with his/her emotional response, and s/he still feels scared. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Ages 7 and up
Children at this age begin to think more logically about world events, but still view them subjectively. While they don't think abstractly the way adults do, children begin to understand more complex ideas and like to examine problems of all kinds. They start to look at causes for events, and start asking more challenging questions. (www.pbs.org/parents)

"Once children are capable of logical thinking, they are also able to see the contradictions between what war is and what they've been told -- not to fight or hurt other people at home or school," says Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D. " Some children will bring it up and be confused or mad about it." (www.pbs.org/parents)

"Other children will identify with the aggressor in a war or who they deem to be the 'strong guy'," adds Susanna Neumann, Ph.D. "They may throw their support and enthusiasm in favor of a military action or more aggressive solution which may even contradict the parents' values or beliefs. The reverse is also true -- sometimes the children of parents who support a military action will identify with the victims and oppose it." (www.pbs.org/parents)

Signs of Stress
Children at this age may experience nightmares and act out aggressive behavior at home or school. Some may develop a fear of saying goodbye, express lack of interest in school work or experience physical complaints such as stomach aches or fatigue. (www.pbs.org/parents)

"Some children may develop peculiar or unusual rituals or even phobias in reaction to seeing violent events on the news," says Susanna Neumann, Ph.D. "I treated a child who couldn't wear a red shirt after seeing a violent attack on TV. We discovered that the color red reminded him of the blood. This does not mean children this age should be shielded from all news. Instead, parents should be aware how much children can be affected by the news they see and how they will cope with its impact in varying ways." (www.pbs.org/parents)

Media recommendations
Most children between 7 and 11 are not ready for full exposure to TV and radio news reports. However, experts do recommend you allow an older child in this age range to be exposed to some news if the child expresses interest. "The problem is you don't know what images will be on TV news, so letting them read newspapers is probably safest," says Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Communication
You might initiate a conversation by saying, "Have you heard anything about the war?" Keep in mind that while children this age do begin to think more logically about events, they still don't need to know everything that is going on. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Children this age continue to need lots of soothing, special time spent with them, and the opportunity to express themselves through conversation and play. "It can be reassuring for them to start to take constructive action themselves, to get involved in local efforts to aid victims of war and violence," says Diane Levin, Ph.D. (www.pbs.org/parents)

Deciding what and how much exposure to allow a child to a traumatic event can be a very difficult decision. It is important regardless of age that any information you allow your child to view or read is closely monitored by you and you are present during the exposure to any types of media reports. You must be available to answer questions and explain what is going on. Regardless of your availability you should limit how much exposure your child has to a traumatic event.

Children age 2-5 should NOT be exposed to television coverage. In most cases they will have trouble understanding what they are seeing and will develop a broad range of misconceptions. The news may replay one incident several times and a young child will think these are different events every time they view it. Young children may have a hard time grasping how far away an event is taking place, even after it is explained to them over and over. If your young child does view some information over the television or see something in a newspaper make sure you are there to talk with them and reassure them of their safety.

Older children are in a better position to view limited coverage of the events taking place. Again you should limit what they are watching and how much they are seeing. You should watch coverage with them to talk about what you are seeing and answer any questions that come up. With older adolescents the conversation may be more philosophical in nature, but realize they still may be feeling fear and anxiety. Ask directly about how the coverage is making them feel so those feelings can be addressed.

One good thing to do when viewing traumatic events with a child is to point out the helpers. In every tragedy there are people helping those who are hurt. Point this out to your child so they know even in times of trauma and sorrow there are people helping and comforting each other.

As mentioned earlier, many adults are glued to the TV, radio, and Internet in a time of crisis. We should be aware of the children who are in the room with us. Limiting their exposure may mean a change in our viewing habits. We should be willing to make this sacrifice for the well-being of our children.

One of the most important things we must do is be aware of the language we use when discussing issues with our children. Children develop their views of the world from the adults in their lives. If you use racial, religious or ethnic charged terms in the context of an event, children will develop a negative view of the people you are talking about.

In many ways this is a very scary time for adults and children. It is our responsibility as adults to make sure our children feel safe and secure, but we must also take care of ourselves. We need to have a network of people we can talk with and express how we are feeling and continue to take care of ourselves.

If you need someone to talk with or would like more information please feel free to contact Headquarters Counseling Center. We are available 24 hours a day / seven days a week to talk and all of our services are free. To contact Headquarters from Lawrence and Eudora please call (785) 841-2345 from Baldwin we can be reached at 888-899-2345.